The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
#3- What You're Worth
OK, enough politics for now.
My day was all spilled coffee, error messages and wrong turns. I got lost trying to find something in an unfamiliar neighborhood and wound up having to make three U-turns to correct it. This doesn't sound mathematically (geometrically?) possible, but it's true. Baltimore, like any city, is full of one way streets and no left turns. I'm used to this.
Last year I interviewed for an internship position with a very large non-profit. They ended up canceling the internship program for various reasons, but the woman with whom I spoke kindly offered to answer any questions I had about non-profits when I told her I was looking for a career change. She said, "There is one main thing you should keep in mind when pursuing a career in non-profits: work very hard for many hours for very little money."
Which brings me to #3 on the Happiness Project: Put money low on the list.
If I had a nickel.
No, seriously.
The thing is, more stress in this world comes from money and the having or not having of it then pretty much anything else I'd imagine. Mo' money? Mo' problems.
It's true, and I've witnessed it first-hand. I always think that I would be a happier person, a more complete person if [insert goal here.] I were ten pounds thinner. I were ten IQ points smarter. I had a few thousand dollars lying around.
And, over the years, all of these things have fluctuated. Aside from the IQ points. No, actually, maybe those too. I think I'm quite smarter during the times when I limit the vodka intake. I have been thinner, fatter, richer, poorer, smarter, dumber, and any given mark on the spectrum of these. And- let me tell you, while it certainly can be less stressful to be in the black on these terms, it doesn't guarantee happiness.
I have figured out that I am a person who values experience over material things. I didn't find this out through some deep, spiritual process. I took a long hard look at my finances and discovered where the bulk of my money goes (outside of bills):
1. Food.
2. Bar tabs/general alcohol purchases.
3. Travel.
I don't spend excessive amounts of money on things. This is not to say that I do not like things. I have more books than anyone I know. (Except maybe Jackal.) I love shoes and bags and big earrings.
(I recently purchased my first Coach bag. For the record- it was a very practical black wristlet. Purchased at nearly 50% off from an outlet. Does this count?)
The point is, I apparently spend 90% of my expendable income on experiences. Dinners out. Nights out. Traveling to new locations.
Wealth, to me, is measured in experiences. In moments with friends and family, in countries I've visited, and in what I choose to do with my time. I choose to work in a profession that espouses the values I embrace, and I have the luxury of having an education and a background that has built the framework for this life.
Also, and this is never, ever to be underestimated: I measure my wealth in health. I have been laid up with mono, with Lyme Disease, with broken bones and, I can tell you, I am eternally grateful that all of those things were curable and temporary. For those who are healthy, I think it's an easy thing to take for granted. Do not. You have essentially a million dollars in the bank if you have your health and, if you don't believe me, ask anyone with a permanent or terminal illness to show you their medical costs and the cost of time taken away from their work, their life, their loved ones.
Money is money. It comes and goes. It's problematic and stressful, it's not talked about in polite society, and there will never be enough. Yes, it can grease the wheels in certain circumstances but without the wealth of love, of health, of an appreciation for life it means next to nothing.
So, despite my day of frustrations and my pitiful bank account and the fact that I am desperately lusting after a plane ticket to either Greece or San Francisco (can't decide which one I want more...) I consider myself wealthy. I was born a middle-class white girl with a loving family vested in my success and at-least-average smarts. I consider this instant wealth.
Do I wish I had a couple thousand dollars lying around? You better believe it. But you know what I'd spend it on? I'd fly to San Francisco and take Snickers and Snap out to a lavish sushi dinner with bottomless wine glasses. And then buy a bunch of books at City Lights. And then go kayaking at Pebble Beach.
OH- and then a wine tour.
OH- and I'd buy a pair of killer winter boots.
To wear when I buy my plane ticket to Chicago.
OH- Chicago...I want to go there too.
I digress.
Measure your wealth in ways other than monetary, Glitteratis. Yes, money is important. But so are all of these other things.
And may I suggest www.LivingSocial.com to assist you with the purchasing of experiences at a discount. I recently got a $35 bar tab for $15, and an entire day of kayaking for $18. Win.
My day was all spilled coffee, error messages and wrong turns. I got lost trying to find something in an unfamiliar neighborhood and wound up having to make three U-turns to correct it. This doesn't sound mathematically (geometrically?) possible, but it's true. Baltimore, like any city, is full of one way streets and no left turns. I'm used to this.
Last year I interviewed for an internship position with a very large non-profit. They ended up canceling the internship program for various reasons, but the woman with whom I spoke kindly offered to answer any questions I had about non-profits when I told her I was looking for a career change. She said, "There is one main thing you should keep in mind when pursuing a career in non-profits: work very hard for many hours for very little money."
Which brings me to #3 on the Happiness Project: Put money low on the list.
If I had a nickel.
No, seriously.
The thing is, more stress in this world comes from money and the having or not having of it then pretty much anything else I'd imagine. Mo' money? Mo' problems.
It's true, and I've witnessed it first-hand. I always think that I would be a happier person, a more complete person if [insert goal here.] I were ten pounds thinner. I were ten IQ points smarter. I had a few thousand dollars lying around.
And, over the years, all of these things have fluctuated. Aside from the IQ points. No, actually, maybe those too. I think I'm quite smarter during the times when I limit the vodka intake. I have been thinner, fatter, richer, poorer, smarter, dumber, and any given mark on the spectrum of these. And- let me tell you, while it certainly can be less stressful to be in the black on these terms, it doesn't guarantee happiness.
I have figured out that I am a person who values experience over material things. I didn't find this out through some deep, spiritual process. I took a long hard look at my finances and discovered where the bulk of my money goes (outside of bills):
1. Food.
2. Bar tabs/general alcohol purchases.
3. Travel.
I don't spend excessive amounts of money on things. This is not to say that I do not like things. I have more books than anyone I know. (Except maybe Jackal.) I love shoes and bags and big earrings.
(I recently purchased my first Coach bag. For the record- it was a very practical black wristlet. Purchased at nearly 50% off from an outlet. Does this count?)
The point is, I apparently spend 90% of my expendable income on experiences. Dinners out. Nights out. Traveling to new locations.
Wealth, to me, is measured in experiences. In moments with friends and family, in countries I've visited, and in what I choose to do with my time. I choose to work in a profession that espouses the values I embrace, and I have the luxury of having an education and a background that has built the framework for this life.
Also, and this is never, ever to be underestimated: I measure my wealth in health. I have been laid up with mono, with Lyme Disease, with broken bones and, I can tell you, I am eternally grateful that all of those things were curable and temporary. For those who are healthy, I think it's an easy thing to take for granted. Do not. You have essentially a million dollars in the bank if you have your health and, if you don't believe me, ask anyone with a permanent or terminal illness to show you their medical costs and the cost of time taken away from their work, their life, their loved ones.
Money is money. It comes and goes. It's problematic and stressful, it's not talked about in polite society, and there will never be enough. Yes, it can grease the wheels in certain circumstances but without the wealth of love, of health, of an appreciation for life it means next to nothing.
So, despite my day of frustrations and my pitiful bank account and the fact that I am desperately lusting after a plane ticket to either Greece or San Francisco (can't decide which one I want more...) I consider myself wealthy. I was born a middle-class white girl with a loving family vested in my success and at-least-average smarts. I consider this instant wealth.
Do I wish I had a couple thousand dollars lying around? You better believe it. But you know what I'd spend it on? I'd fly to San Francisco and take Snickers and Snap out to a lavish sushi dinner with bottomless wine glasses. And then buy a bunch of books at City Lights. And then go kayaking at Pebble Beach.
OH- and then a wine tour.
OH- and I'd buy a pair of killer winter boots.
To wear when I buy my plane ticket to Chicago.
OH- Chicago...I want to go there too.
I digress.
Measure your wealth in ways other than monetary, Glitteratis. Yes, money is important. But so are all of these other things.
And may I suggest www.LivingSocial.com to assist you with the purchasing of experiences at a discount. I recently got a $35 bar tab for $15, and an entire day of kayaking for $18. Win.
My Country 'Tis Of Thee
Can it, Palin:
We have come here to Governors Island to stand where the earliest settlers first set foot in New Amsterdam, and where the seeds of religious tolerance were first planted. We’ve come here to see the inspiring symbol of liberty that, more than 250 years later, would greet millions of immigrants in the harbor, and we come here to state as strongly as ever – this is the freest City in the world. That’s what makes New York special and different and strong.
We have come here to Governors Island to stand where the earliest settlers first set foot in New Amsterdam, and where the seeds of religious tolerance were first planted. We’ve come here to see the inspiring symbol of liberty that, more than 250 years later, would greet millions of immigrants in the harbor, and we come here to state as strongly as ever – this is the freest City in the world. That’s what makes New York special and different and strong.
Our doors are open to everyone – everyone with a dream and a willingness to work hard and play by the rules. New York City was built by immigrants, and it is sustained by immigrants – by people from more than a hundred different countries speaking more than two hundred different languages and professing every faith. And whether your parents were born here, or you came yesterday, you are a New Yorker.
We may not always agree with every one of our neighbors. That’s life and it’s part of living in such a diverse and dense city. But we also recognize that part of being a New Yorker is living with your neighbors in mutual respect and tolerance. It was exactly that spirit of openness and acceptance that was attacked on 9/11.
On that day, 3,000 people were killed because some murderous fanatics didn’t want us to enjoy the freedom to profess our own faiths, to speak our own minds, to follow our own dreams and to live our own lives.
Of all our precious freedoms, the most important may be the freedom to worship as we wish. And it is a freedom that, even here in a City that is rooted in Dutch tolerance, was hard-won over many years. In the mid-1650s, the small Jewish community living in Lower Manhattan petitioned Dutch Governor Peter Stuyvesant for the right to build a synagogue – and they were turned down.
In 1657, when Stuyvesant also prohibited Quakers from holding meetings, a group of non-Quakers in Queens signed the Flushing Remonstrance, a petition in defense of the right of Quakers and others to freely practice their religion. It was perhaps the first formal, political petition for religious freedom in the American colonies – and the organizer was thrown in jail and then banished from New Amsterdam.
In the 1700s, even as religious freedom took hold in America, Catholics in New York were effectively prohibited from practicing their religion – and priests could be arrested. Largely as a result, the first Catholic parish in New York City was not established until the 1780’s – St. Peter’s on Barclay Street, which still stands just one block north of the World Trade Center site and one block south of the proposed mosque and community center.
This morning, the City’s Landmark Preservation Commission unanimously voted not to extend landmark status to the building on Park Place where the mosque and community center are planned. The decision was based solely on the fact that there was little architectural significance to the building. But with or without landmark designation, there is nothing in the law that would prevent the owners from opening a mosque within the existing building. The simple fact is this building is private property, and the owners have a right to use the building as a house of worship.
The government has no right whatsoever to deny that right – and if it were tried, the courts would almost certainly strike it down as a violation of the U.S. Constitution. Whatever you may think of the proposed mosque and community center, lost in the heat of the debate has been a basic question – should government attempt to deny private citizens the right to build a house of worship on private property based on their particular religion? That may happen in other countries, but we should never allow it to happen here. This nation was founded on the principle that the government must never choose between religions, or favor one over another.
The World Trade Center Site will forever hold a special place in our City, in our hearts. But we would be untrue to the best part of ourselves – and who we are as New Yorkers and Americans – if we said ‘no’ to a mosque in Lower Manhattan.
Let us not forget that Muslims were among those murdered on 9/11 and that our Muslim neighbors grieved with us as New Yorkers and as Americans. We would betray our values – and play into our enemies’ hands – if we were to treat Muslims differently than anyone else. In fact, to cave to popular sentiment would be to hand a victory to the terrorists – and we should not stand for that.
For that reason, I believe that this is an important test of the separation of church and state as we may see in our lifetime – as important a test – and it is critically important that we get it right.
On September 11, 2001, thousands of first responders heroically rushed to the scene and saved tens of thousands of lives. More than 400 of those first responders did not make it out alive. In rushing into those burning buildings, not one of them asked ‘What God do you pray to?’ ‘What beliefs do you hold?’
The attack was an act of war – and our first responders defended not only our City but also our country and our Constitution. We do not honor their lives by denying the very Constitutional rights they died protecting. We honor their lives by defending those rights – and the freedoms that the terrorists attacked.
Of course, it is fair to ask the organizers of the mosque to show some special sensitivity to the situation – and in fact, their plan envisions reaching beyond their walls and building an interfaith community. By doing so, it is my hope that the mosque will help to bring our City even closer together and help repudiate the false and repugnant idea that the attacks of 9/11 were in any way consistent with Islam. Muslims are as much a part of our City and our country as the people of any faith and they are as welcome to worship in Lower Manhattan as any other group. In fact, they have been worshipping at the site for the better part of a year, as is their right.
The local community board in Lower Manhattan voted overwhelming to support the proposal and if it moves forward, I expect the community center and mosque will add to the life and vitality of the neighborhood and the entire City.
Political controversies come and go, but our values and our traditions endure – and there is no neighborhood in this City that is off limits to God’s love and mercy, as the religious leaders here with us today can attest.
-Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Landmarks Preservation Commission Vote, August 3, 2010, Governor' s Island.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Put Your Efforts Elsewhere
I got sucked into HBO's documentary "12th & Delaware" about a community in south Florida where an abortion clinic and a "Pregnancy Care Center" are located- literally- across the street from one another. The anti-choice (I dislike the term "pro-life" because it is misleading) "Pregnancy Care Center" is a faith-based outfit that, essentially, spends its resources trying to convince girls not to have abortions.
From what I've seen, they terrorize these girls. They give them false information, such as telling them they're only 7.5 weeks along when they're 10 weeks, thus tricking them into thinking they have more time to make a decision and then find out it's too late. They show them gruesome videos of abortions gone wrong. They give them false information and bogus stats, linking breast cancer and a future inability to conceive to abortions. They offer them gifts, money, and support. Girls apparently often mistake the Care Center for the abortion facility, and the staff does little to dispel this until the girls find themselves embroiled in a conversation intended to talk them out of having an abortion.
The worst offense, in my opinion, is the protesting at the abortion clinic. They try to stop girls going in, screaming horrible things at them or trying to sweetly coerce them away from the clinic with promises of money and help. They have signs, slogans, chants, and humiliating tactics.
And the thing is...I just don't get it. They claim to be advocating for the rights of unborn children, but it seems to me that if they feel so strongly about the value of human life wouldn't their efforts be far better spent in helping the children that are already here? Instead of protesting outside of an abortion clinic, why aren't they advocating for the welfare of children who are homeless, impoverished, abused, raised in drug-addicted households and facing a lifetime of limited choices and scarce resources? Why aren't these people offering money and support to those women who have already had babies and are desperately trying to take care of them?
I can't see the logic here, but then I suppose I don't see the theoretical logic of their whole argument either. I cannot understand the practice of manipulating and attempting to control women or altering the choices they make about their bodies. Even worse, this "Care Center" proffers staff in the delicate position of appearing to be medical professionals (because anyone in a lab coat with a clipboard has a great deal of psychological control in a clinical situation) and throwing "statistics" at women and girls who are scared, confused, and alone. This, to me, is a kind of terrorizing subject to gross misconduct.
I respect peoples' rights to their personal opinions. I understand and respect the school of thought surrounding a woman's right to remain anti-choice. But I cannot and will not respect anyone who attempts to utilize their own personal opinions to interfere with someone else's choices.
And, again, I point out that their time and resources would be so much better appreciated on this earth if they concentrated on advocating for the well-being of children already born.
Whatever side of the fence you're on, it's a fascinating documentary and worth watching.
Also on my radar: Spike Lee is coming out with a new documentary about the oil spill as follow up to his "When the Levees Broke" and focusing, again, on the beating New Orleans is taking. Again. Five years post-Katrina, this city is facing another need for a phoenix-like rebirth. "If God Is Willing" is another NOLA expose, but it also points fingers at the oil industry as well.
“Oil is a bigger industry than slavery was in this country,” Lee said. “A whole lot of people making money.” “If God Is Willing” highlights the control BP has on the region and why it’s a difficult balance for citizens who must rely on the billion-dollar oil empire for work yet are disgusted by its mishandling of this ordeal.
And, of course, there's also the Comedy Central "Roast of David Hasselhoff" tonight. TV watching is looking quite good these days. I start training for the marathon relay in October this week so my crazy party summer will be transitioning to a quieter, hopefully more-focused fall. After all of this fun-having, nights in on the couch aren't looking so bad.
From what I've seen, they terrorize these girls. They give them false information, such as telling them they're only 7.5 weeks along when they're 10 weeks, thus tricking them into thinking they have more time to make a decision and then find out it's too late. They show them gruesome videos of abortions gone wrong. They give them false information and bogus stats, linking breast cancer and a future inability to conceive to abortions. They offer them gifts, money, and support. Girls apparently often mistake the Care Center for the abortion facility, and the staff does little to dispel this until the girls find themselves embroiled in a conversation intended to talk them out of having an abortion.
The worst offense, in my opinion, is the protesting at the abortion clinic. They try to stop girls going in, screaming horrible things at them or trying to sweetly coerce them away from the clinic with promises of money and help. They have signs, slogans, chants, and humiliating tactics.
And the thing is...I just don't get it. They claim to be advocating for the rights of unborn children, but it seems to me that if they feel so strongly about the value of human life wouldn't their efforts be far better spent in helping the children that are already here? Instead of protesting outside of an abortion clinic, why aren't they advocating for the welfare of children who are homeless, impoverished, abused, raised in drug-addicted households and facing a lifetime of limited choices and scarce resources? Why aren't these people offering money and support to those women who have already had babies and are desperately trying to take care of them?
I can't see the logic here, but then I suppose I don't see the theoretical logic of their whole argument either. I cannot understand the practice of manipulating and attempting to control women or altering the choices they make about their bodies. Even worse, this "Care Center" proffers staff in the delicate position of appearing to be medical professionals (because anyone in a lab coat with a clipboard has a great deal of psychological control in a clinical situation) and throwing "statistics" at women and girls who are scared, confused, and alone. This, to me, is a kind of terrorizing subject to gross misconduct.
I respect peoples' rights to their personal opinions. I understand and respect the school of thought surrounding a woman's right to remain anti-choice. But I cannot and will not respect anyone who attempts to utilize their own personal opinions to interfere with someone else's choices.
And, again, I point out that their time and resources would be so much better appreciated on this earth if they concentrated on advocating for the well-being of children already born.
Whatever side of the fence you're on, it's a fascinating documentary and worth watching.
Also on my radar: Spike Lee is coming out with a new documentary about the oil spill as follow up to his "When the Levees Broke" and focusing, again, on the beating New Orleans is taking. Again. Five years post-Katrina, this city is facing another need for a phoenix-like rebirth. "If God Is Willing" is another NOLA expose, but it also points fingers at the oil industry as well.
“Oil is a bigger industry than slavery was in this country,” Lee said. “A whole lot of people making money.” “If God Is Willing” highlights the control BP has on the region and why it’s a difficult balance for citizens who must rely on the billion-dollar oil empire for work yet are disgusted by its mishandling of this ordeal.
And, of course, there's also the Comedy Central "Roast of David Hasselhoff" tonight. TV watching is looking quite good these days. I start training for the marathon relay in October this week so my crazy party summer will be transitioning to a quieter, hopefully more-focused fall. After all of this fun-having, nights in on the couch aren't looking so bad.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Not That You Should Compare Your Life To Mine....
....but Glitterati has been having wayyyyyyyyyyy too much fun as of late.
There are times when I wish I could still be all gossssssssssipy boooooozehound on this site and dish on all the delicious details, but.....those days are gone.
Rest assured, however, that fun is being had. Ohhhhh is it ever.
I think in Glitterati Land, the rate of funness is directly proportional to the usage of excess letters in normal words.
Fuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
There are times when I wish I could still be all gossssssssssipy boooooozehound on this site and dish on all the delicious details, but.....those days are gone.
Rest assured, however, that fun is being had. Ohhhhh is it ever.
I think in Glitterati Land, the rate of funness is directly proportional to the usage of excess letters in normal words.
Fuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
It's Not Fair
I think we've just about wrapped up Savoring The Present/Everyday Moments on the Happiness Project list. Which means it's time to move on to item number two:
2. Avoid Comparisons
If there is anything in this world that will make you feel worse about yourself, it's comparison. There's a bifurcation to this point:
a.) You feel inferior. Which sucks.
b.) You feel superior. But this superiority comes with a price.
If you look around, or even if you just sit still and watch the world pass by, you can find plenty of both. I think it was in graduate school that the Rules of Life first began to actually sink in, and one of the first I learned was this: of every room you will ever walk into in your life, there will always be someone smarter than you, someone prettier, someone kinder, or someone who in some way seems vastly superior to you. It may not be overt. It may be far more subtle, but the fact remains that however smart/pretty/kind/amazing you think you are, you will always be able to find someone who's got you bushed in some department.
It's a pretty hard lesson to learn, but an excellent perspective to have in your arsenal.
God help you if you are an ugly girl, Ani DiFranco wrote; 'Course too pretty is also your doom / Because everyone harbors a secret hatred / For the prettiest girl in the room.
You can't win.
Comparisons lead you nowhere. Sure, that girl might have a tighter stomach, bigger boobs, better boots, and a boyfriend who is hopelessly devoted. So what? You think her life is any bit easier than yours? You think she doesn't fight the same battles, face the same daunting things that are out there to make life difficult?
It's one of our worst habits, this comparison. This idea of equality and justice has somehow bred in us the idea that we're all deserving of some overly large slice of some pie. (And yet we supposedly take pride in individualism and uniqueness. The paradoxes of this society are baffling.)
A more slippery slope is the idea that you are somehow superior to someone. Unless they have proved themselves to be nasty, bitter, angry or cruel, chances are you've got nothing on them. So what if you're thinner, or you volunteer more, or you know the value of keeping a secret? You can't possibly know all the intricacies of someone's heart, and you cannot ever get ahead in this world by thinking you're better than others. Because the moment you do- I promise you- you will fall from that little self-built pedestal. Thinking you're better then someone is ten times worse than thinking you're less. It's a dangerous position of self-inflicted power, and this overblown sense of ego is the source of (I would wager) close to 90% of the problems in the world.
But comparisons don't always have to come in this fashion. Sometimes comparisons are more subtle. For years, I watched as things happened for my friend. Jobs, raises, relationships, new houses, accolades....I watched and I felt myself becoming angry that these things didn't happen for me. I couldn't understand why everyone around me seemed to be just GETTING and GETTING and GETTING and why my life was so stuck and why I myself was floundering so very badly.
The thing was, I spent so much time comparing myself to these people that I neglected to see the hard work they put into these milestones and moments of happiness. I thought they were things that just happened, not things that were worked for.
And the second I realized that was the moment I regretted all those wasted years of wondering why happiness seemed to come so easily to other people and not to me. I could have spent that time, you know, being happy. Working towards my own goals instead of waiting for someone else's happiness to light up my life.
"Life's not fair," my parents used to chorus. It's not.
But this whole comparison thing can really start to get you down when you look at it from the perspective of a middle class white girl with above-average education, good health, and straight teeth. Go ahead....start comparing. Go down that road. Point out all the things that are wrong with you, and then turn around and look at the other 90% of the world's population that are struggling with addictions, bad health, limited choices, no access to good education, no family model to follow, no friends, no hope, maybe not even clean water or readily-accessible food and shelter. Go ahead and bemoan the fact that some people don't ever seem to have to work for their wealth or their health, and then turn around and realize how good you've got it. Makes you feel...for lack of a better term....schmucky.
Avoid comparisons. You have no way of knowing the complex issues of someone else's life, and you are only responsible for your own. Taking charge of your own behavior and understanding that whatever may come as a consequence is yours and yours alone to deal with doesn't leave too much time for comparison.
I will admit, it's something of a human condition though, isn't it? Sometimes it's impossible not to compare. All around us are people who are more disciplined, who seem to make better choices; people to whom happiness just seems to gravitate.
But comparisons breed room for resentment.
And comparisons also drain us of gratitude for what we do possess. Whether it's a unique character trait or a flaw that, twisted in the right way, becomes an asset; or a gift or a goal achieved or hard work that eventually pays off or a random stroke of luck that lands some golden little slice of life right into our laps. If you're so busy wondering why your neighbor has such a magical life, you're not really taking part in your own life, are you?
Life isn't fair. But before you think you've got the short end of the stick, look again.
Although....I do have to say here that people with naturally high metabolisms should just all congregate amongst themselves. I mean, honestly. Or at least refrain from mentioning it in public. Can I get some support on this one?
I digress.
Don't compare yourself to others. Because it's bad.
2. Avoid Comparisons
If there is anything in this world that will make you feel worse about yourself, it's comparison. There's a bifurcation to this point:
a.) You feel inferior. Which sucks.
b.) You feel superior. But this superiority comes with a price.
If you look around, or even if you just sit still and watch the world pass by, you can find plenty of both. I think it was in graduate school that the Rules of Life first began to actually sink in, and one of the first I learned was this: of every room you will ever walk into in your life, there will always be someone smarter than you, someone prettier, someone kinder, or someone who in some way seems vastly superior to you. It may not be overt. It may be far more subtle, but the fact remains that however smart/pretty/kind/amazing you think you are, you will always be able to find someone who's got you bushed in some department.
It's a pretty hard lesson to learn, but an excellent perspective to have in your arsenal.
God help you if you are an ugly girl, Ani DiFranco wrote; 'Course too pretty is also your doom / Because everyone harbors a secret hatred / For the prettiest girl in the room.
You can't win.
Comparisons lead you nowhere. Sure, that girl might have a tighter stomach, bigger boobs, better boots, and a boyfriend who is hopelessly devoted. So what? You think her life is any bit easier than yours? You think she doesn't fight the same battles, face the same daunting things that are out there to make life difficult?
It's one of our worst habits, this comparison. This idea of equality and justice has somehow bred in us the idea that we're all deserving of some overly large slice of some pie. (And yet we supposedly take pride in individualism and uniqueness. The paradoxes of this society are baffling.)
A more slippery slope is the idea that you are somehow superior to someone. Unless they have proved themselves to be nasty, bitter, angry or cruel, chances are you've got nothing on them. So what if you're thinner, or you volunteer more, or you know the value of keeping a secret? You can't possibly know all the intricacies of someone's heart, and you cannot ever get ahead in this world by thinking you're better than others. Because the moment you do- I promise you- you will fall from that little self-built pedestal. Thinking you're better then someone is ten times worse than thinking you're less. It's a dangerous position of self-inflicted power, and this overblown sense of ego is the source of (I would wager) close to 90% of the problems in the world.
But comparisons don't always have to come in this fashion. Sometimes comparisons are more subtle. For years, I watched as things happened for my friend. Jobs, raises, relationships, new houses, accolades....I watched and I felt myself becoming angry that these things didn't happen for me. I couldn't understand why everyone around me seemed to be just GETTING and GETTING and GETTING and why my life was so stuck and why I myself was floundering so very badly.
The thing was, I spent so much time comparing myself to these people that I neglected to see the hard work they put into these milestones and moments of happiness. I thought they were things that just happened, not things that were worked for.
And the second I realized that was the moment I regretted all those wasted years of wondering why happiness seemed to come so easily to other people and not to me. I could have spent that time, you know, being happy. Working towards my own goals instead of waiting for someone else's happiness to light up my life.
"Life's not fair," my parents used to chorus. It's not.
But this whole comparison thing can really start to get you down when you look at it from the perspective of a middle class white girl with above-average education, good health, and straight teeth. Go ahead....start comparing. Go down that road. Point out all the things that are wrong with you, and then turn around and look at the other 90% of the world's population that are struggling with addictions, bad health, limited choices, no access to good education, no family model to follow, no friends, no hope, maybe not even clean water or readily-accessible food and shelter. Go ahead and bemoan the fact that some people don't ever seem to have to work for their wealth or their health, and then turn around and realize how good you've got it. Makes you feel...for lack of a better term....schmucky.
Avoid comparisons. You have no way of knowing the complex issues of someone else's life, and you are only responsible for your own. Taking charge of your own behavior and understanding that whatever may come as a consequence is yours and yours alone to deal with doesn't leave too much time for comparison.
I will admit, it's something of a human condition though, isn't it? Sometimes it's impossible not to compare. All around us are people who are more disciplined, who seem to make better choices; people to whom happiness just seems to gravitate.
But comparisons breed room for resentment.
And comparisons also drain us of gratitude for what we do possess. Whether it's a unique character trait or a flaw that, twisted in the right way, becomes an asset; or a gift or a goal achieved or hard work that eventually pays off or a random stroke of luck that lands some golden little slice of life right into our laps. If you're so busy wondering why your neighbor has such a magical life, you're not really taking part in your own life, are you?
Life isn't fair. But before you think you've got the short end of the stick, look again.
Although....I do have to say here that people with naturally high metabolisms should just all congregate amongst themselves. I mean, honestly. Or at least refrain from mentioning it in public. Can I get some support on this one?
I digress.
Don't compare yourself to others. Because it's bad.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Witness
Savoring everyday moments is a practice towards happiness, but my proclivity towards over-sensitivity occasionally takes it in the wrong direction. Embracing the reality of the present involves an "attitude of gratitude" (gah- when did New Glitterati become so....New Age-y? She should buy herself some healing crystals and call it a day. And by "buy herself some healing crystals" I mean, of course, that she should place them in the freezer for an hour and then pour vodka over them and let them do their magic. This is the only purpose I can think of for healing crystals- straight-up vodka on actual cold rocks.) But it can also involve this: the understanding that there are bad things that happen in the world, that often there's nothing you can do to prevent them, and that catastrophes unfold around us on a daily basis.
The cab driver probably wasn't looking when he gunned through the intersection, T-boning the SUV turning right from the other direction. The impact was so loud that everyone in the vicinity came outside to see the cars, crumpled up on one another and occupying a curious space in the no-man's land that is the middle of an intersection.
I watched as the drivers got cautiously out of their vehicles, watched as passengers came crawling out and it was ascertained if injuries had been inflicted. The passenger in the cab was claiming some sort of bruising but, for the most part, everyone was OK.
But I looked at the cab driver. His shoulders were tired and hunched as he began removing his personal items- a cell phone, a water bottle, and a leather briefcase- from the wrecked cab. He was shaking his head. The police were questioning him, the passenger irate and talking loudly to the EMTs that had arrived. Someone from the cab company showed up to inspect the damage. I just kept watching that driver and thinking that there are moments when you realize you are witnessing what could be the worst day of someone's life.
Most likely there will be an investigation, a ticket will be written, and the passenger could sue. It is probable, although I don't know how likely, that the cab driver will lose his license, his job, or both. What, then, is a foreign-born middle-aged man to do to feed his family? I'm speculating here--I know nothing of this cab driver or his situation. But I watched the events unfold, I watched the crowd gather and I couldn't help but wonder what it is that draws us to drama. How the execution of everything else- the pressing errand, the phone call, the lunch date- is paused to allow for rubber necking of something ugly, scary, or otherwise a rude interruption from the ordinary.
My inclination towards over-sensitivity can be hard to deal with sometimes. I become so emotionally attached to situations that I have trouble disassociating and find myself turning it over and over in my mind. In the months after 9-11, I had to seek counseling for PTSD because I couldn't stop having nightmares about being inside a building on fire with nowhere to go. And when I see bad things happen; a fight, an accident, an injury; I cannot help but become somehow emotionally invested. I start thinking of all of the possible story lines for that moment, and how that could ultimately pan out for each individual. I see a car accident and I see months of injuries, expensive repairs, depression, possibly the loss of a job.
Being in the moment can sometimes trap you. You forget to step back and away, you forget to gain a broader perspective.
Happiness, as I said, is a choice. It is not a random circumstance. It does not just "happen," but rather is the result of how you choose to deal with the world and the world, undoubtedly, is going to throw some pretty heavy things at you sometimes.
To be happy all of the time is impossible, and not desirable in any way. It negates the idea that happiness is its own separate entity, and delineates pain. If you do not, from time to time, allow yourself to slip into moments of fury and upset and hurt feelings and insecurity, then how can you ever choose happiness? How can you work your way out of it again?
I watched the car crash unfold and I felt myself getting sucked in and wanting to do something to help. (This tendency of mine is as golden as it is bitter. It has led to my career choice, but it also gets me ensnared in places and situations I have no business being in. I am learning to choose more carefully when to let this character trait loose and when to reel it back in.) I started thinking about how everyone involved now had a ruined day, a ruined car, possibly ruined health if injuries showed themselves. Possibly a ruined career.
But then I also saw that no one had been standing close enough to be hit or seriously injured. I saw how the cab had hit hard on the passenger's side where no one was sitting. I saw how the police and ambulance showed up within a few minutes and had everything cleared shortly after. I saw the hundred things that could have been so much worse and realized that while you can spend a lot of time bemoaning the fact that the car crash happened in the first place, you could transfer that energy into gratitude that a, b, or c HADN'T happened.
Maybe this is a little Pollyanna.
Maybe Pollyanna just needed a good dose of vodka and Dorothy Parker.
The point is- if you're in the moment, that moment may not necessarily be a good one. But allowing yourself to see it through to the end and feel everything that needs to be felt is just as important as remembering that it's just that- a moment. One that will pass. And on the other side of it might be something amazing, or funny, or just average but still different in some fashion. It's like embracing hunger with the knowledge that it will make everything so much more appetizing.
We bear witness to so many things everyday that happen outside of us, but we only really pay attention when it's a spectacle of some kind. It brings the focus out of ourselves and into the reality of the moment, and this is not something to write off.
No one was critically hurt. That's the most important thing. "Thank God no one was hurt," the onlookers kept saying. Not "Why did this happen in the first place?" But an acknowledgment that damage, overall, will eventually be minimal. Because sometimes it isn't.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Savoring the Moment: Quandries of Shark Week
Talk about savoring moments.
I had a great night last night- a "family dinner" of sorts with my favorite guy friends. I can't remember the last time all of us hung out together, and it was especially nice to actually sit at a table like civilized people.
Kid Brother made the most fantastic ribs. All he would tell me is that they took six hours to cook and involved cans of chipolte peppers. (My spell checker just wanted to turn "chipolte" into "Chippewa" which made me think of "Addams Family II: Family Values" for some reason. You know....the summer camp? I digress.) Lee made delicious rice and beans, and I contributed a green salad. Because I am, apparently, the mom of the group. Josh, who had to come a bit late, brought the witty conversation.
Anyway...it was a lovely evening with much to savor. I spend so much of my time these days with girls, it was nice to be around a bunch of guys for a change.
After dinner, as we all sat around with full bellies nursing beer and wine, there was a moment of clamoring excitement when Kid Brother reminded us that it is, in fact, Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. It was then that I was introduced to "Air Shark," and not only was I introduced to the concept of "Air Shark," I was getting the full experience because it was actually "Air Shark II: EVEN HIGHER."
I kid you not.
First of all, because my guy friends have excellent taste, I'd like to point out that we were listening to Band of Horses at the time. The TV was on mute. And there is something paradoxically hilarious about watching "Air Shark II: EVEN HIGHER" with Band of Horses as the soundtrack. Even funnier: after BOH, Lee's roommate put on Ray Lamontagne. Also paradoxically funny.
But I digress again: let us discuss the concept of "Air Shark." A miniature seal is fashioned out of foam and painted to look incredibly life-like, then dragged behind a power boat on a piece of fishing line that looks as though it wouldn't hold up through a strenuous flossing of teeth. Cameras are poised at the stern of the boat dragging it, and also positioned under the boat for the extra-special UNDERWATER VIEW. The crew then chums the water with bloody fish bits, and waits.
Sooner or later, a shark roughly the size of a church bus comes leaping out of the water, jaws out, coming after this poor helpless foam seal. It is not pretty.
But it is, as the chorus of exclamations in Lee's living room ascertained, AWESOME.
Being the only female, I naturally had to question the validity of such an experiment beyond it's "AWESOME"- factor. What's the point of this endeavour? To show how sharks can do little else besides churn ominously through sea water and tear crap apart? How is this encouraging eco-knowledge? By intimidating us into respecting a shark's hunting prowess enough to want to save them? Sure, they're impressive. Sure, they're huge and a vital part of the eco-system. But to videotape them leaping twenty feet out of the water and ripping apart a foam seal (that is just WAY TOO LIFELIKE for my sensibilities) doesn't seem a particularly productive form of study.
I'M JUST SAYING.
Still...gotta respect the hunting master. It's a pretty epic feat of nature to watch these things jump out of the water like that. It just seems a little....the phrase "baiting sport" comes to mind. They get the sharks all riled up, film it, and then what? Toss the dolly grip overboard to placate the angry mob? Throw some baby seals and watch the action?
Anyway.
It was awesome to see my friends, awesome to sit and eat delicious ribs and talk about current events and, yes, gossip (because even guys like to partake) and we ended the entire evening with some karaoke which is always the icing on the proverbial Wednesday night cake. My urban family is everything to me, and spending quality time with them is very far up there on the list of things that make me oh-so-very-happy.
And, I'll totally admit it: "Air Shark II: EVEN HIGHER" was pretty badass. I totally recommend it with a side of Ray Lamontagne, too. And some hilarious commentary from brilliant friends.
I had a great night last night- a "family dinner" of sorts with my favorite guy friends. I can't remember the last time all of us hung out together, and it was especially nice to actually sit at a table like civilized people.
Kid Brother made the most fantastic ribs. All he would tell me is that they took six hours to cook and involved cans of chipolte peppers. (My spell checker just wanted to turn "chipolte" into "Chippewa" which made me think of "Addams Family II: Family Values" for some reason. You know....the summer camp? I digress.) Lee made delicious rice and beans, and I contributed a green salad. Because I am, apparently, the mom of the group. Josh, who had to come a bit late, brought the witty conversation.
Anyway...it was a lovely evening with much to savor. I spend so much of my time these days with girls, it was nice to be around a bunch of guys for a change.
After dinner, as we all sat around with full bellies nursing beer and wine, there was a moment of clamoring excitement when Kid Brother reminded us that it is, in fact, Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. It was then that I was introduced to "Air Shark," and not only was I introduced to the concept of "Air Shark," I was getting the full experience because it was actually "Air Shark II: EVEN HIGHER."
I kid you not.
First of all, because my guy friends have excellent taste, I'd like to point out that we were listening to Band of Horses at the time. The TV was on mute. And there is something paradoxically hilarious about watching "Air Shark II: EVEN HIGHER" with Band of Horses as the soundtrack. Even funnier: after BOH, Lee's roommate put on Ray Lamontagne. Also paradoxically funny.
But I digress again: let us discuss the concept of "Air Shark." A miniature seal is fashioned out of foam and painted to look incredibly life-like, then dragged behind a power boat on a piece of fishing line that looks as though it wouldn't hold up through a strenuous flossing of teeth. Cameras are poised at the stern of the boat dragging it, and also positioned under the boat for the extra-special UNDERWATER VIEW. The crew then chums the water with bloody fish bits, and waits.
Sooner or later, a shark roughly the size of a church bus comes leaping out of the water, jaws out, coming after this poor helpless foam seal. It is not pretty.
But it is, as the chorus of exclamations in Lee's living room ascertained, AWESOME.
Being the only female, I naturally had to question the validity of such an experiment beyond it's "AWESOME"- factor. What's the point of this endeavour? To show how sharks can do little else besides churn ominously through sea water and tear crap apart? How is this encouraging eco-knowledge? By intimidating us into respecting a shark's hunting prowess enough to want to save them? Sure, they're impressive. Sure, they're huge and a vital part of the eco-system. But to videotape them leaping twenty feet out of the water and ripping apart a foam seal (that is just WAY TOO LIFELIKE for my sensibilities) doesn't seem a particularly productive form of study.
I'M JUST SAYING.
Still...gotta respect the hunting master. It's a pretty epic feat of nature to watch these things jump out of the water like that. It just seems a little....the phrase "baiting sport" comes to mind. They get the sharks all riled up, film it, and then what? Toss the dolly grip overboard to placate the angry mob? Throw some baby seals and watch the action?
Anyway.
It was awesome to see my friends, awesome to sit and eat delicious ribs and talk about current events and, yes, gossip (because even guys like to partake) and we ended the entire evening with some karaoke which is always the icing on the proverbial Wednesday night cake. My urban family is everything to me, and spending quality time with them is very far up there on the list of things that make me oh-so-very-happy.
And, I'll totally admit it: "Air Shark II: EVEN HIGHER" was pretty badass. I totally recommend it with a side of Ray Lamontagne, too. And some hilarious commentary from brilliant friends.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Savor Everyday Moments
O then each breath tasted sweeter, and all that day my food nourish'd me more, and the beautiful day pass'd well
-Walt Whitman
Savoring Everyday Moments has become a sort of Zen practice for me. A way of checking in with my surroundings, of feeling the connection of my feet to the earth and the greater networks that span through and around me securing me to these thin threads that hold everything together.
I don't think I ever knew how to slow my mind down, how to adopt patience and peace, until recently. Because my days now have a flow and rhythm that sits well with me, I find myself so much more at ease. My fists have unfurled, my smiles come easier, and a lot of this has to do with perspective.
Finding the balance between keeping oneself focused on the present moment and maintaining a sense of healthy perspective is a practice that required diligence and positivity. Food, nature, companionship, art, and beauty are all things that root me to the present moment. Patience, hope, and grace give me greater perspective when it comes to things like troublesome world issues, momentary crises, or all of the little and great things that make life difficult. Just as you know a moment of beauty will pass, so too can you accept that a moment of hardship will fade just as easily.
I've been documenting things that make me happy, things that let me savor the present. Moments of my day that root me in the here and now. A lot of it, I've noticed, has to do with food. This is ok. I love food.
To get us started on this week of savoring the present:
-Walt Whitman
Savoring Everyday Moments has become a sort of Zen practice for me. A way of checking in with my surroundings, of feeling the connection of my feet to the earth and the greater networks that span through and around me securing me to these thin threads that hold everything together.
I don't think I ever knew how to slow my mind down, how to adopt patience and peace, until recently. Because my days now have a flow and rhythm that sits well with me, I find myself so much more at ease. My fists have unfurled, my smiles come easier, and a lot of this has to do with perspective.
Finding the balance between keeping oneself focused on the present moment and maintaining a sense of healthy perspective is a practice that required diligence and positivity. Food, nature, companionship, art, and beauty are all things that root me to the present moment. Patience, hope, and grace give me greater perspective when it comes to things like troublesome world issues, momentary crises, or all of the little and great things that make life difficult. Just as you know a moment of beauty will pass, so too can you accept that a moment of hardship will fade just as easily.
I've been documenting things that make me happy, things that let me savor the present. Moments of my day that root me in the here and now. A lot of it, I've noticed, has to do with food. This is ok. I love food.
To get us started on this week of savoring the present:
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