Cupcakes

You know you're living in the Middle East when....

I got the brilliant idea that I wanted to make cupcakes for The Gentleman for Valentine's Day, specifically red velvet cupcakes with vanilla icing (NOT cream cheese, as he seems to have some seriously mixed feelings about cream cheese in general as a food item). 

You can buy this at Carrefour! Whatever it is...

This entailed a shopping trip to Carrefour, a rather impressive collection of household goods, where you can purchase anything from pet food to fresh produce to "Indian Gadgets" [no lie - there's a section for that] to small appliances to a Costco-like collection of wardrobe choices. You can find just about anything and everything at Carrefour, as long as you're not uber-scrupulous. And by that, I mean that while you can find really nice coffee makers and hair products, you might be stuck with Hello Kitty for your oven mitt selection. It's a gamble.

It took me approximately nine and a half hours to find everything I needed at Carrefour. This included mens bodywash, tins of cat food, a Black and Decker coffee maker, Listerine, a shower rack, air fresheners, and (of course) cupcake mix and accouterments. My cart looked like one of the ones at the end of a Wal-mart checkout line where the cashier throws everything into it that people decide they don't want at the last minute.

ONE THING YOU NEVER CONSIDERED ABOUT MOVING TO A COUNTRY OUTSIDE OF THE UNITED STATES:

1. Your education has failed you.
Here is the extent of my knowledge regarding the metric system: I know that a 5k is 3.1 miles, a 10k is 6.2, etc. (Thanks, running!) I know, vaguely, that 0 degrees Celsius is very cold and 30 degrees Celsius is very hot. The End.

Thankfully, most measuring cups and spoons handily come in both metric and "regular" measurements (Americentric statement right there), and Betty Crocker is available in the Middle East with both measurements right on the back of the box. But where the metric system confounds me also meets one of the things that terrifies me the most about living abroad: learning to operate household appliances.

Behold, our oven:

What. The what. Is that. It looks like a pictogram off of the cap of a Natty Boh bottle and if you don't figure it out, you risk ruining dinner and possibly your life. Also - temperature...in Celsius. Given a delicate art such as baking, a few clicks in the wrong direction could spell ruin here.

The Gentleman had warned me that he had to download a .pdf manual and read it cover to cover to figure out how to operate the washing machine, but he hadn't even attempted a use of the oven just yet. So I followed his lead and went online and discovered that I could input the serial number of the oven unit (found inside the front door) and get instructions - in English - on how to operate this complicated piece of machinery. I learned that the little snowflake means "defrost" (imagine that!) and the picture that looks sort of like a biohazard symbol sandwiched between floating water and sky is actually a convection oven setting. I also downloaded an app for my phone to convert metric measurements and figured out that the cupcakes needed to be baked for 15 minutes at 180C. Another good tool  for this is The Metric Kitchen, which is helpful without being judgy about Stupid Americans and their stupid non-metric measuring system.

The cupcakes turned out delightfully, thanks to the modern conveniences of cooking with one's iPhone and iPad handy for moral support and also thanks to Betty Crocker's foolproof red velvet cupcake mix, which is readily available out here. I even found vanilla icing (NOT CREAM CHEESE) and some red goop that I thought would be easy to manipulate but ended up just splooshing all over the place for a stab at "decoration."

Behold! Success!

Side note: I screwed up one of the first cupcakes trying to delicately drizzle the red goop in a pattern and got mad and ended up turning the mess into the word "poop." The next day when the domestic help came to clean the house (I can't even talk about that right now - let's save that little guilty nugget for another post), I told her she could help herself to the cupcakes and I am 99% sure she ate the one that said "poop" on it. Hopefully she doesn't know what that means, and thank God I didn't decorate it with one of my more abrasive (and recognizable) four letter words.

The Gentleman was quite pleased with the surprise. My major project done for the day, I was rewarded with a lychee martini and sushi at So Cho and then drinks at Pearls and Caviar. Your typical Thursday night out at the Souk in Abu Dhabi.

I really, really love lychee martinis.

Pearls and Caviar with a pretty stunning view of the Grand Mosque.

Upper deck of Pearls and Caviar

Coming up: how rearranging furniture will push the cats to the brink of sanity, a fishing trip in Dubai, and dealing with being a "lady who lunches" until the work visa comes through.

Abu Dhabi - Stuff To Do

I think one of the questions I get asked most often about visiting The Gentleman in Abu Dhabi is "What is there to do there?"

I wrote a lot about things we did during my first visit out there in October last year. This visit was a lot more relaxed; neither of us felt a compelling need to cram a whole lot into the trip given the amount of traveling we've done recently. There was a lot of down time at the rooftop pool in The Gentleman's building, a lot of lying on the beach, and a lot of couch-sitting and scary-movie watching. We didn't go out nearly as much as we did the first time.

That having been said, we certainly didn't sit at home all day every day.

One of the nice parts about this trip was that we now have a group of friends there - all expats, and some of whom I knew previously from Baltimore - and one of the nicer things is that some of these friends live on a beach and have paddle boards.

My first day there, we headed out to visit said friends for an afternoon on the beach and grilling out. I got to try paddle boarding for the first time, which was awesome until someone mentioned that the Gulf is teeming with jelly fish, and then I gave myself over to complete concentration in trying not to fall, because I hate jellyfish. 

Al Raha Beach

Nothing to see here. (Also - apparently, black plastic bags are like the Solo Cups of the  Middle East. It doesn't matter what you have inside, it's obviously a poor attempt at masking liquor in public.

I found a friend on the beach.

There were attempts at head stands on the paddle boards - mainly unsuccessful ones.

Did you have cheese plates at your ragers? We do now.

Because alcohol in bars and restaurants is ridiculously expensive and restricted to establishments in hotels, there are a lot of house parties. Kind of like college, except now everyone knows how to cook and only drinks the good stuff, and you're usually not worried about your house getting trashed or someone stealing your stuff. 

Another thing that's in high demand in the UAE for expats (besides alcohol and uncensored R-rated films) is bacon. Some grocery stores sell it in separate, "Non-Muslim Only" sections, and when you can find it - you buy it, and you use it. Immediately. However you can.

You've heard of beer can chicken, right? Of course you have. Creating it goes a little something like this:

Prepped, rubbed with spices, massaged, and told its a good little chicken. No one likes tough chicken - you have to show it love to soften it up.

Fill with delicious spicy things. 

And then...are you ready for it? DRAPE THAT M*****f***r WITH BACON. DRAAAPE IT. CARESS IT GENTLY, AND COCOON IT IN BACON.

It kind of looks like Gossamer, no?

I probably don't need to tell you how delicious that thing is when you stick it on the grill for (too long) and then serve it up (hourrrrs later), all browned and charred in all the right places, with the beer and juices all circulating beautifully. 

I don't think I could ever be vegetarian.

We also cooked a lot of pork. A LOT. Apparently someone found a grocery store that sells pork and just went bananas. B-A-N-A-N-Apork.

Another fun past time in the UAE is Vox Gold Cinemas. Films tend to come out there at about the same schedule as the US, maybe a couple of weeks behind. Occasionally, for a big film, it's come out before the US because Dubai holds film premieres, but for the most part the line-up you get in the US is comparable.

The UAE does censor films, however, and pretty much won't show anything that has nudity, excessive sexual scenes, etc. But it's sometimes completely random what they'll censor. They might cut out a gratuitous sex scene, but then leave in a couple making out in a later scene, or vice versa. We saw Iron Man 3 and, to me, it seemed to be pretty flawless but someone told me later that certain scenes were cut. Go figure.

Anyway, no one goes to Vox Gold Cinemas for the films. 

You go for the ridiculousness. 

Upon entry, you and your theater-going friend sit in a lounge area where you're given a full menu to browse. This isn't popcorn and Swedish fish - this is full-on dinner. The Gentleman and I shared calimari and a hummus platter. And a bag of M&M's. BECAUSE IT'S THE MOVIES.

A server comes to visit your private lounge area and takes your order, and then leads you into the theater where you are assigned your very own La-Z-Boy black leather lounger that fully extends out into a horizontal position. Oh, and you get a delightfully soft, fleecy blanket as well, which is AWESOME because I am always freezing in movie theaters. The Gentleman and I had two loungers next to each other with a cocktail table between us. After lying down and getting all tucked in, the server set the table and brought us our snacks just in time for the film to start. The screen is large, the food is pretty damn good, and when you're all snuggled up in your own lounger with a blanket, you'll watch pretty much anything.

Would you care for some shrimp cocktail during the movie?

The ONE down side to Vox Gold is that it doesn't serve booze. Oh well, can't win 'em all. Besides, if they did, I would probably fall asleep in my delightful lounger. Especially if I was watching a film Swiss cheesed with edits for decency.

One of my favorite things (obviously) is trivia. I have hosted a trivia for over five years in Baltimore, and seek out trivias in other places to enjoy (and snoop for category ideas). When I heard there was a pub quiz in Abu Dhabi, I made sure my flight schedule was arranged so that we would make it.

Heroes is a sports pub in the lower level of the Crowne Plaza hotel in what is basically midtown Abu Dhabi. You walk in from the excessive heat, humidity, sand, palm trees, neon, and chrome of Abu Dhabi into...a dive bar. With an excellent beer list. No joke. While I don't love dive bars, there is something just so familiar and comfortable about being inside one, and being inside one in the middle of the Middle East is about as homesick-defeating as you can get.

We turned out to be the only Americans in the place - it was packed full of Brits, Aussies, the Irish, and a handful of other English-speaking white people from countries I couldn't discern. 
It was pretty damn fun, although we didn't do terribly well...

One of the questions we got correct was, "In which US state was The Blair Witch Project filmed?" MARYLAND, MARYLAND, MARYLAND I KNOW THIS ONE OOOHH OOHH!!

The Gentleman lives on the Corniche, which I thought meant boardwalk until I just Googled it and found out that it actually means a road on the side of a cliff or mountain with the ground rising on one side and falling away on the other; the word comes from the French for "on a ledge."  

Ahhh, well. I'll give that one to you, although it's a little bit of Arab-ish (like Chinglish) because the Corniche is not on a cliff or a mountain, but snuggled right up against the Persian Gulf. It's beautiful, and anywhere else in the world would probably be called a Boardwalk.

Running on the Corniche in the (very early) mornings is a favorite past time of ours, except you have to watch out, because they "wash" the Corniche every morning. This means that a coupl'a government workers come out in jumpsuits and hose down the Corniche turning the stones into a slippery death trap. I'm not entirely sure what they're washing off of the Corniche, but I don't want to think too terribly much about that.

Corniche facing south

Corniche facing north with The Gentleman strolling along. I love those buildings to the left that look like lipsticks. They've been in various stages of construction over the past year, and I hope we can go in them when they're finished.

The Corniche is sprinkled with little stands for ice cream, shisha, smoothies, and beach-side snack shacks (I'll show you the good from one in a later post about food). There are "Family-Friendly" beaches where women and men are allowed, and although you'll certainly see ladies bathing in their full-body swim suits, I've always worn a bikini and been just fine.

Another fun past time is finding Happy Hours. They exist. They're ridiculously expensive, and often times "Ladies Only," but they exist.

"Happy Hour" at Jumeirah Towers - each glass of wine was half price ($8 US), and you get a free tray of olives. Hooray!

One of the things we most wanted to do was go jet skiing, which turned into a bit of an ordeal. All day long, we watched jet skis circle the Gulf right outside of The Gentleman's building. We Googled, we Time Out Abu Dhabi'd, we asked around, and it seemed that all you needed to do was find this one particular guy at this one particular dock who would rent you jet skis for an hour or so. 

The first time we tried to do this, we wound up on a very remote area of the island of Abu Dhabi. We got a scenic tour of the jail, the Automated Slaughter House (which is right across the street from the jail, BTW), and a work camp. But no jet skis. Just a shuddery feeling of being in the wrong neighborhood.

The second attempt, we wound up at the marina and yacht club next to the mall where a very non-English-speaking man accidentally let us onto the docks where peoples' yachts were tied. We found a guy who said he knew a guy, he called the guy he knew, and the guy was somewhere else on the island but could meet us back at the docks "within a couple of hours." There were no jet skis to be seen on the docks, which begged the question: was he bringing the jet skis with him? Or would he expect us to jump in his car and be driven out to said jet skis?

The whole thing seemed sketchy at best and, anyway, we didn't have two hours to wait for him, so we bagged it.

Third time was a charm. A friend gave us a phone number and told us to drive out to the Shangri La hotel and resort and call a guy. (Everyone knows A Guy in Abu Dhabi. A Guy is responsible for finding you a maid, an oil change, a half-priced camel. You know - A Guy. Things don't get done by Google out there. They get done by knowing A Guy.)

So we drove out to the Shangri-La on the last day that I was there, called A Guy, who met us in a sputtering, ancient Nissan and asked us to follow him to this beach:

But: behold! Jet skis!!

This was, by the way, the second week of May and the very last of the nice weather before summer truly sets in. It was in the mid-upper nineties the whole time I was there, until right before I left when it started to creep up:

We finally got to go jet skiing. It was awesome.

After the excitement of jet skiing, it was back home for quick shower and change and then out for the evening to Pearls and Caviar for drinks and one of the best views of the city:

The Grand Mosque

 Finally - when you're doing all of this eating and drinking in hotels, you can also photo stalk incredible furniture and design schemes that I would like in my future home:

The Fairmont

The Fairmont - the lights change color periodically. It's amazing.

View from The Fairmont's beach

 I have several more Abu Dhabi posts to come for you, including: Eats, Epic Brunch, Ski Dubai, Sandance, and A Weekend Out In Dubai.

The Dinner Party

First dinner party at New House last night. Bittersweet, though, as it's the last dinner party with Lee and Hot Curry before they move to FREAKING UTAH. Homemade black bean dip, Whole Foods-made guacamole and Mediterranean lentil soup, crab quesadillas, a salad from the Polish roommate, wine and beer courtesy Josh, and a freaking incredible cranberry pear crumble from Hot Curry. Great conversations about the biological necessity of nipples on men, Joe Paterno, Justin Bieber, European dialects, Indian phrases, small pox, and a bevy of other titillating subjects. I do so love me a good dinner party. Especially on a Wednesday night.

To say that I will miss Lee and Hot Curry is an understatement. Lee was one of the first friends I made here in Baltimore, he landed me my first freelancing gig, and he helped me navigate that terrible summer when we lost our jobs due to fire and my boyfriend of four years and I called it quits. (Subsequently, Lee's was the shoulder I cried on during the years of terrible break ups, where he had the grace and patience to say soothing things and not, "Good. That guy was a jerk anyway," which would have been well within the realm of fact.)

I brought Lee to a party a couple of years ago with the express purpose of aiding another friend in introducing him to her roommate, Hot Curry, who is now his fiance. And she is one of my favorite gossip girls, and the one who will drink Lee under the table with me.

Thankfully, we have a few weeks left before they depart. During which time we have to hit up the Explorer Bar and Birds of a Feather. More on those later. And then there's the wedding to look forward to, in April.

Still, I can't help but look around me and see how much has changed in the last four years. Friends moving away, getting engaged, getting married, having babies, getting promotions, new careers, new degrees.

It's pretty sweet to be able to watch someone about to head off on the expedition of a lifetime - primarily Salt Lake City, but also, oh you know, MARRIAGE - and say, "I remember when we drank a bottle of Malibu and you ran down the streets of Baltimore barefoot in your pajamas." Because that happened. And it was glorious.

The Last Dinner Party Menu:

Easiest Bean Dip

(This makes a hell of a lot of bean dip. For fewer than 8 people, I'd halve the recipe. Unless you want delicious leftovers - which I have, and am now overjoyed. So maybe be greedy and don't halve it.)

2 cans black beans

4 TBS chopped cilantro

2 cups hot salsa

cumin to taste

salt and pepper to taste

4 TBS lime juice

Throw it all in a blender or food processor. Transfer to bowl. Or don't and just eat it out of the blender. It's delicious either way.

Goodbye Maryland Crab Quesadillas (via Eating Well)

This feeds 4 people. I doubled it for 6, and all that was left at the end were two lonely tiny triangles that Lee and Hot Curry took home.

• 1 cup shredded reduced-fat Cheddar cheese (I used regular full-fat, because it melts better)
• 2 ounces reduced-fat cream cheese, softened
• 4 scallions, chopped
• 1/2 medium red bell pepper, finely chopped
• 1/3 cup chopped fresh cilantro
• 2 tablespoons chopped pickled jalapenos, (optional)
• 1 teaspoon freshly grated orange zest
• 1 tablespoon orange juice
• 8 ounces pasteurized crabmeat, drained if necessary
• 4 8-inch whole-wheat tortillas
• 2 teaspoons canola oil, divided (I used olive oil)

Combine Cheddar, cream cheese, scallions, bell pepper, cilantro, jalapenos (if using), orange zest and juice in a medium bowl. Gently stir in crab. Lay tortillas out on a work surface. Spread one-fourth of the filling on half of each tortilla. Fold tortillas in half, pressing gently to flatten.

Heat 1 teaspoon oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Place 2 quesadillas in the pan and cook, turning once, until golden on both sides, 3 to 4 minutes total. Transfer to a cutting board and tent with foil to keep warm. Repeat with the remaining 1 teaspoon oil and quesadillas. Cut each quesadilla into 4 wedges.

When Hot Curry sends me the recipe for her incredible cranberry pear crumble, I shall post.

Apologies for the lack of food pictures - I meant to photograph everything and the night got away with me. It could have been all the wine.

This Is Not A Food Blog

The best part about this blog post? I'm eating the leftovers as I upload.

Pulled chicken BBQ recipe from Eating Well. The recipe doesn't mention anything about parbaking, but I'm glad I did. I anticipated 5 hours of cooking time, but wound up with only four because forty five minutes of it was spent tearing the kitchen apart looking for the can opener my roommates took camping with them, and the remaining fifteen was spent dashing to Lee's house to borrow his. Oh, and there was beer. And wine. And sangria. You know.Parbake chicken: rinse chicken thighs, trim all fat. Lay in glass pan (I sprayed with cooking spray), sprinkled with chipolte chile powder. Bake at 250 for one hour. Before:


And after:

Make sure the chicken has time to cool after parbaking and before pulling. Pulling is fun and greasy. Make sure you wrap a paper towel around your beer so that you don't smear chicken crap all over it. And yes, you should be sipping a beer whilst pulling. 2.5 pounds of chicken to pull takes a bit of time.







One of my side dishes was a corn and bean salad that I often make in the summer. It's super easy, super cheap, and delightfully healthy. As in: you can eat 17 tons of it and not feel like wanting to die. The recipe is simple: 1 can corn, 1 can black beans, 1 can mild or hot green chiles, 1 can diced tomatoes, salt and pepper to taste, and I always add a little paprika or chile powder for spice. Hot sauce is good, too. There happened to be fresh okra in the fridge (my roommates are diligent and creative cooks: don't think that I would just happen to have okra lying around), so I flash boiled some (2 min, then doused with cold water), chopped it up, and added that too.

The cat watched. We are tentatively on good terms.



Hot Curry made some delicious slaw:




Boxed wine is kind of the best thing ever. Thanks, Josh.

Awesome. Fin.