It's Not Fair

I think we've just about wrapped up Savoring The Present/Everyday Moments on the Happiness Project list. Which means it's time to move on to item number two:

2. Avoid Comparisons

If there is anything in this world that will make you feel worse about yourself, it's comparison. There's a bifurcation to this point:

a.) You feel inferior. Which sucks.
b.) You feel superior. But this superiority comes with a price.

If you look around, or even if you just sit still and watch the world pass by, you can find plenty of both. I think it was in graduate school that the Rules of Life first began to actually sink in, and one of the first I learned was this: of every room you will ever walk into in your life, there will always be someone smarter than you, someone prettier, someone kinder, or someone who in some way seems vastly superior to you. It may not be overt. It may be far more subtle, but the fact remains that however smart/pretty/kind/amazing you think you are, you will always be able to find someone who's got you bushed in some department.

It's a pretty hard lesson to learn, but an excellent perspective to have in your arsenal.

God help you if you are an ugly girl, Ani DiFranco wrote; 'Course too pretty is also your doom / Because everyone harbors a secret hatred / For the prettiest girl in the room.

You can't win.

Comparisons lead you nowhere. Sure, that girl might have a tighter stomach, bigger boobs, better boots, and a boyfriend who is hopelessly devoted. So what? You think her life is any bit easier than yours? You think she doesn't fight the same battles, face the same daunting things that are out there to make life difficult?

It's one of our worst habits, this comparison. This idea of equality and justice has somehow bred in us the idea that we're all deserving of some overly large slice of some pie. (And yet we supposedly take pride in individualism and uniqueness. The paradoxes of this society are baffling.)

A more slippery slope is the idea that you are somehow superior to someone. Unless they have proved themselves to be nasty, bitter, angry or cruel, chances are you've got nothing on them. So what if you're thinner, or you volunteer more, or you know the value of keeping a secret? You can't possibly know all the intricacies of someone's heart, and you cannot ever get ahead in this world by thinking you're better than others. Because the moment you do- I promise you- you will fall from that little self-built pedestal. Thinking you're better then someone is ten times worse than thinking you're less. It's a dangerous position of self-inflicted power, and this overblown sense of ego is the source of (I would wager) close to 90% of the problems in the world.

But comparisons don't always have to come in this fashion. Sometimes comparisons are more subtle. For years, I watched as things happened for my friend. Jobs, raises, relationships, new houses, accolades....I watched and I felt myself becoming angry that these things didn't happen for me. I couldn't understand why everyone around me seemed to be just GETTING and GETTING and GETTING and why my life was so stuck and why I myself was floundering so very badly.

The thing was, I spent so much time comparing myself to these people that I neglected to see the hard work they put into these milestones and moments of happiness. I thought they were things that just happened, not things that were worked for.

And the second I realized that was the moment I regretted all those wasted years of wondering why happiness seemed to come so easily to other people and not to me. I could have spent that time, you know, being happy. Working towards my own goals instead of waiting for someone else's happiness to light up my life.

"Life's not fair," my parents used to chorus. It's not.

But this whole comparison thing can really start to get you down when you look at it from the perspective of a middle class white girl with above-average education, good health, and straight teeth. Go ahead....start comparing. Go down that road. Point out all the things that are wrong with you, and then turn around and look at the other 90% of the world's population that are struggling with addictions, bad health, limited choices, no access to good education, no family model to follow, no friends, no hope, maybe not even clean water or readily-accessible food and shelter. Go ahead and bemoan the fact that some people don't ever seem to have to work for their wealth or their health, and then turn around and realize how good you've got it. Makes you feel...for lack of a better term....schmucky.

Avoid comparisons. You have no way of knowing the complex issues of someone else's life, and you are only responsible for your own. Taking charge of your own behavior and understanding that whatever may come as a consequence is yours and yours alone to deal with doesn't leave too much time for comparison.

I will admit, it's something of a human condition though, isn't it? Sometimes it's impossible not to compare. All around us are people who are more disciplined, who seem to make better choices; people to whom happiness just seems to gravitate.

But comparisons breed room for resentment.

And comparisons also drain us of gratitude for what we do possess. Whether it's a unique character trait or a flaw that, twisted in the right way, becomes an asset; or a gift or a goal achieved or hard work that eventually pays off or a random stroke of luck that lands some golden little slice of life right into our laps. If you're so busy wondering why your neighbor has such a magical life, you're not really taking part in your own life, are you?

Life isn't fair. But before you think you've got the short end of the stick, look again.

Although....I do have to say here that people with naturally high metabolisms should just all congregate amongst themselves. I mean, honestly. Or at least refrain from mentioning it in public. Can I get some support on this one?

I digress.

Don't compare yourself to others. Because it's bad.

Savor Everyday Moments

O then each breath tasted sweeter, and all that day my food nourish'd me more, and the beautiful day pass'd well
-Walt Whitman

Savoring Everyday Moments has become a sort of Zen practice for me. A way of checking in with my surroundings, of feeling the connection of my feet to the earth and the greater networks that span through and around me securing me to these thin threads that hold everything together.

I don't think I ever knew how to slow my mind down, how to adopt patience and peace, until recently. Because my days now have a flow and rhythm that sits well with me, I find myself so much more at ease. My fists have unfurled, my smiles come easier, and a lot of this has to do with perspective.

Finding the balance between keeping oneself focused on the present moment and maintaining a sense of healthy perspective is a practice that required diligence and positivity. Food, nature, companionship, art, and beauty are all things that root me to the present moment. Patience, hope, and grace give me greater perspective when it comes to things like troublesome world issues, momentary crises, or all of the little and great things that make life difficult. Just as you know a moment of beauty will pass, so too can you accept that a moment of hardship will fade just as easily.

I've been documenting things that make me happy, things that let me savor the present. Moments of my day that root me in the here and now. A lot of it, I've noticed, has to do with food. This is ok. I love food.

To get us started on this week of savoring the present:

What Makes Us Happy?

I suddenly realized that four days had passed and I had yet to update this blog. This is the problem with this whole New Initiative. I've started too many New Initiatives recently and it's going to have to be a whole separate New Initiative genre to involve keeping all of these New Initiatives organized and managed in a timely fashion.

So....the question of the week is supposed to be "Savor everyday moments" in the happiness quest. And, in the spirit of this question, I will say this: I'm working on it, but the process of truly savoring everyday moments has left me with little time to actually blog about it.

This is ok. I've made peace with this, and you should too. Right? Right.

So this project is going to be a little more stretched out than I anticipated. But that's ok. It might take us a couple of months to get through these happiness points. But hey- that's just more happiness, right?

In other news, I can't believe it's the last weekend of July. This summer has been dominated by change and fun and lots of outdoor activities. Tonight is AVAM's outdoor Flicks on the Hill (King Kong) and this weekend is a kayaking trip with Ye Olde Book Club. Last night, Book Club destroyed about eight sushi rolls and a somewhat obscene amount of baked goods while watching Mansfield Park. Our summer agenda has been "Movies made from books." Mansfield Park is a bit more palatable to watch over dinner then our last movie, Precious: Based On the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire.

In other news: why is the cast of the Jersey Shore on the Today show? Seriously?

More to come on this savoring everyday moments thing.

"Haiti" and What We Can Learn From Katrina

(photo- Katyn Monument, Harbor East, Baltimore. May 2008.)

"Choosing the humanistic approach to other people’s misery brings certain obligations. The first is humanitarian: the generous response of ordinary Americans, along with the quick dispatch of troops and supplies by the U.S. government, met this responsibility, though it couldn’t answer the overwhelming needs of people in Haiti. But beyond rescue and relief lies the harder task of figuring out what the United States and other countries can and ought to do for Haiti over the long term, and what Haiti is capable of doing for itself." - "Suffering," George Packer, The New Yorker, Jan 25 2010

This March, I am headed to New Orleans for a week to volunteer for a Habitat project that's building a community of homes along a devastated stretch of land by the river. The decision process in my choosing to embark on this mission came in equal parts sudden and prolonged.

The prolonged aspect was this: for the past several years, I've been at odds with myself and my place in this world. I've waxed poetical on this blog (often injecting narcissistic ruins and self-deprecating moments of doubt) about the process and, from a standpoint although not quite yet fully outside of it but clearly on the other side of something, I realized that all of this soul-searching and circular thinking was yielding....nothing. Was it wasted? Certainly not. Was it necessary? Of course. Was it productive? Depends on how you measure. But was it moving forward? Not anymore.

The realization that inaction is a form of action was no longer working culminated in a moment where I realized how very small I am, how very large the world is, and how very interconnected we are. All of this rationalizing and theorizing brought me to the idea that I should take all of this excess "I don't know what to do with myself" energy and put it to good use. And so, I decided to volunteer, to do something big, to plan and execute some sort of project that would, in some way, directly help others.

Whenever you commit yourself to something, it seems that doors open. Within the week of my decision to attempt to find some outlet for this newly-found goal, an email found its way to me via various outlets seeking volunteers for a Habitat trip to New Orleans. I met with the organizer of the trip a week later and signed the paperwork.

Once I started doing research, I became more and more fully committed to the idea of the RHINO project (Rebuilding Hope In New Orleans.) The thing with great world crises (think Katrina, the tsunami, etc.) is that there is a great momentum at the onset to help. Media outlets are on the scene, showing us graphic images of people in desperate need. We reach out to our fellow human beings, we give everything we are able, and we rush in to help in the moment of crisis.

But this is problematic because, like anything with a great initial momentum, at some point it falters if not fueled. And the state of New Orleans and the destruction of Katrina are still dire and present. However one might argue about the initial lack of help and response, it was certainly on the nation's radar through much of 2005-2006 and initiatives to help gradually snowballed as the tense political scene danced around trying to downplay the damage while putting as much emphasis as possible on the supposed outpouring of help.

But now, so many years later, is when the desperation reaches its apex. Funds are running dry and being redirected towards newer, more vogue causes. When people think to donate money, time, or other resources, Katrina is slowly but surely falling off the map. And the consequences? The levies, which were so far below code before the hurricanes, would not be able to withstand another hit. Not because people "shouldn't be living in lowland areas near rivers," as it's been argued, but because the need for stringent rebuilding procedures and uncorrupted contractors, and local politicians with an eye on the future of New Orleans as a thriving and healthy city as opposed to one hand in the pocket all require long-term help and care. Once the immediate sick and injured have been tended to, once all of the victims have a bed to sleep in and meals to count on, that's where the real work starts.

It will be the same with Haiti. One of the world's poorest countries cannot come back from devastation like this without long-term planning and continuing efforts. Five, six, seven years from now when the dead have been buried, what will we be doing to assist? How can we help pull this country up from the rubble, invest in it, and rebuild it so that it actually stands a chance of surviving anything else the universe might throw at it?

Buzz words and catch phrases and celebrity involvement put crises in vogue. Jennifer Lopez answers phones at a donations center while Wyclef Jean tearfully begs for donations for his home country. They get involved, but where will they be when the bigger questions need to be answered? When corrupt politicians and a history of desperate poverty prove to be the true ruin of Haiti?

And so, I pack up my jeans with the holes in the knees and hope that they'll have a hammer on-site (because you can't fly with jack shit these days, even in checked luggage) and I'm heading down to NOLA to put my money where my mouth is, five years after the initial fact. And five years from now, maybe I'll find some initiative in Haiti to join.

Hope and help aren't just about initial reactions. It's about long-term dedication. It's about a commitment to being there, long after the dust has literally and figuratively settled.

2009

New Year's Resolution: Finish What You Start.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find all the ways in which you yourself have altered.

-Nelson Mandela

Man's main task is to give birth to himself.
-Erich Fromm

Below: excerpts from a mixed-media project I submitted with Snap earlier this fall. Alas, we did not win.
All photography copyright Katie Wright.