Thursday, January 27, 2011

Glitterati v. Technology

**Snow Day! This unexpected vacation has allowed me a moment of time to actually update my blog.**

It has GOT to be witchcraft.

I am not completely technologically inept. I am of the generation of children that was raised on computers: learning to read using special programs, typing up reports on those giant IBMS with the flickering black-mustard screens and the cursor that was roughly six times the thickness of the svelte little leader we have now.

But make no mistake: I'm also not technologically apt. My entire volume of knowledge on the subject of fixing computers begins with two fundamental axioms:
2. Turn it off and turn it back on.

It then proceeds to the most advanced things I can do:
3. Run a virus/malware scan
4. System Restore

And, in dire situations, I have one backup upon which I lean if the previous 4 attempts at revival have failed:
5. Google

From thenceforth, I become completely and utterly useless.

My co-worker's computer, for the past few months, has been completely possessed. If it were a teenage girl in the 1600's, she'd a been put on trial and tested for buoyancy by now. Windows flashing up all over the place, shut-downs occurring out of nowhere, sudden freezes and halts and crashes and crazy error messages.

And I have literally exhausted my list of potential fixes which, in this case, became ever more creative:
7. new keyboard (maybe there's a macro somewhere?)
8. new mouse (maybe the old one was stuck?)
9. defrag
10. endless calls to IT
11. blame the iPhone that's plugged into the USB, and move it to the other side of the room in case weird, witchcrafty waves of energy are messing with the computer's hard drive (You think I'm kidding? Google iPhone, computer crash. This is not Bigfoot. It. Exists.)
12. move all files to shared server, replace computer

Even after drastic Step #12 (which, if given my 'druthers and a dream budget would always be Step #1 because I HATE dealing with computers and would far rather just replace them at the first sign of even a hiccup), it's still possessed. AN ENTIRELY NEW COMPUTER. POSSESSED.

Which has led me to this complex and technically-supported conclusion: my co-worker's office is haunted.

It's really the only explanation.

Unfortunately, my logical and completely plausible deduction is without support. I would have been satisfied to leave it at that. "Office Haunted, Case Closed. Move everything out into another office, close the door, and let us never speak of this incident again."

This war is on-going, and I am expected to figure out what demon has decided to occupy the hard drive of whatever computer is residing in the corner office. This is going to get scary. I might need a priest, some holy water, and possibly "Possessed Computers for Dummies" or some equal faction. I will need teams of IT specialists, and possibly a scientist or two to help me diagnose. I will also need multiple bottles of vodka and possibly some aromatherapy and guided meditations.

But I will win. I will find out what is possessing the computer. I will SOLVE this IT conundrum. Victory will be mine!

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