Breathing Space

Contrary to evidence here, I've been doing a lot of writing lately.

But it's mostly of the research, policy-minded, quantitative type of writing I thought I'd left back in grad school. Thankfully, because I believe in the causes and (mostly) love what I do, the intensive and sometimes mind-numbing work is ultimately rewarding. So I keep telling myself as I down triple lattes and log miles out on the Baltimore streets after work trying to expel all the contained energy.

In moving, I stumbled across a book of clippings from my freelancing days. While there are things I miss (the illusion of grandeur, mostly) what I've found these days is that the harder I work, and the more I commit myself to what I do, the easier it is for me to breathe.

Everything is just so different now, years later. Stumbling into something that fits seems so accidental and so deliciously gratifying, but is it really some freak alignment or a series of choices that line up and suddenly doors swing open at the right times? After so many years of running against the wind, you finally crash land against the right door and find it unlocked. And open it to find a whole world of doors you didn't know existed. And maybe it's not the door you thought you wanted, or even in a hallway you wanted to go down. But it's there, and it works, and it fits, and suddenly it all just makes sense, somehow.

Ran outside in short-sleeves the other evening. Spring is on its way. And I've got races coming up, final stages of moving into my new place, Vegas in April with Book Club, Snap's wedding in May, and the on-set of kayaking season!

Plus, you know, all that policy that needs writing. That, too.

Glitterati v. Technology

**Snow Day! This unexpected vacation has allowed me a moment of time to actually update my blog.**

It has GOT to be witchcraft.

I am not completely technologically inept. I am of the generation of children that was raised on computers: learning to read using special programs, typing up reports on those giant IBMS with the flickering black-mustard screens and the cursor that was roughly six times the thickness of the svelte little leader we have now.

But make no mistake: I'm also not technologically apt. My entire volume of knowledge on the subject of fixing computers begins with two fundamental axioms:
1. CTRL > ALT > DEL
2. Turn it off and turn it back on.

It then proceeds to the most advanced things I can do:
3. Run a virus/malware scan
4. System Restore

And, in dire situations, I have one backup upon which I lean if the previous 4 attempts at revival have failed:
5. Google

From thenceforth, I become completely and utterly useless.

My co-worker's computer, for the past few months, has been completely possessed. If it were a teenage girl in the 1600's, she'd a been put on trial and tested for buoyancy by now. Windows flashing up all over the place, shut-downs occurring out of nowhere, sudden freezes and halts and crashes and crazy error messages.

And I have literally exhausted my list of potential fixes which, in this case, became ever more creative:
7. new keyboard (maybe there's a macro somewhere?)
8. new mouse (maybe the old one was stuck?)
9. defrag
10. endless calls to IT
11. blame the iPhone that's plugged into the USB, and move it to the other side of the room in case weird, witchcrafty waves of energy are messing with the computer's hard drive (You think I'm kidding? Google iPhone, computer crash. This is not Bigfoot. It. Exists.)
12. move all files to shared server, replace computer

Even after drastic Step #12 (which, if given my 'druthers and a dream budget would always be Step #1 because I HATE dealing with computers and would far rather just replace them at the first sign of even a hiccup), it's still possessed. AN ENTIRELY NEW COMPUTER. POSSESSED.

Which has led me to this complex and technically-supported conclusion: my co-worker's office is haunted.

It's really the only explanation.

Unfortunately, my logical and completely plausible deduction is without support. I would have been satisfied to leave it at that. "Office Haunted, Case Closed. Move everything out into another office, close the door, and let us never speak of this incident again."

This war is on-going, and I am expected to figure out what demon has decided to occupy the hard drive of whatever computer is residing in the corner office. This is going to get scary. I might need a priest, some holy water, and possibly "Possessed Computers for Dummies" or some equal faction. I will need teams of IT specialists, and possibly a scientist or two to help me diagnose. I will also need multiple bottles of vodka and possibly some aromatherapy and guided meditations.

But I will win. I will find out what is possessing the computer. I will SOLVE this IT conundrum. Victory will be mine!

Christmas Miracle

I made it.

Somehow, I got through Hell Week. It was kind of a nightmare. On the other side of it, I can breathe again but in the midst of it was a kind of stress I hadn't tapped into since Masters comps. I had known December was going to be busy, knew that deadlines before the end of the year were looming, but what I hadn't anticipated was the sort of batshit crazy that can only crop up working for a non-profit. Oh, and Mercury has been in retrograde. Thanksssssssssss.

Zero sleep, too much caffeine, skipping meals and then eating odd things at strange hours, all while trying to balance some fun in there too (Book Club dinner, gingerbread house making, dinner parties with friends, and maybe a few minutes here and there to try and read a page of The Hunger Games [my new favorite thing]) and attempt to maintain HOLIDAY CHEER all led to me feeling more burned out then I think I have ever been. It's a miracle I am not completely sick, because the only times I get sick are when I am totally run down. I worry that now that I have said this, I am about to be hit with a freight train of flu. But so far so good.

In the last hour of my day yesterday, just as it was looking as though I was going to have to work forever, I was called into my boss's office and granted the most precious holiday gift I have ever been given- leave request granted. I suddenly have time off. I got everything (mostly) done! I HAVE DAYS OFF! I can...I can....READ BOOKS! I can watch all the seasons of United States of Tara! I can finally finish my subversive cross stitch! I can go for runs in the middle of the day! I can....SLEEP. I can SLEEP. Ohhh, sleep.

Honestly, I could go without a single present this year so grateful am I for this one. I do have to work a couple of days next week but, mostly, I'm free until January 3. I've never had such a long stretch of unplanned, unscheduled time. It feels so luxurious I might overdose. Come next Friday I might find myself still in pajamas at 5pm, unshowered for days, eating peanut butter straight out of the jar with a spoon. Classy.

Or, knowing me, I will attempt to fill this time with "productivity." Organizing, cleaning, errand-running, writing. Blah. I need to not let my inner PRODUCTIVITY VOICE take over this delicious vacation time.

So I come into this Christmas Eve a happy, happy girl. Despite everything, I love my job, I love what I do, and I especially love the sweet, sweet relief of reward that comes after so much hard work. And I get to spend the holidays with my family and friends. This is one happy girl right here.

I promise I will post the Gingerbread Incident. Now that I have all of this time....no excuses!

Cheers, Glitteratis- may your holidays be merry and bright, and may you take time for a breath and some relaxation. And by relaxation I mean passing out on the couch under 17 blankets watching terrible daytime television and reading British chick lit. Ohhh, heaven.

Gasp

Sniper-crawling into the holiday season this year. Face-down in the dirt, bogged down by the gravitational forces of work compounded with not nearly enough sleep, too many cookies, and the constant anxiety that, somehow, I have forgotten to do 47 things.

I have a feeling I'm going to sleep through Christmas this year. If I make it through this week.

In other news- 3rd Annual Book Club Holiday Party this evening. I look forward to this every year. The food is always fantastic, the board games are competitive, and the wine never stops. I love these girls/Joel-The-Only-Guy-In-Book-Club. Highlight of the evening: the annual White Elephant Gift Exchange. I still have not forgiven Catalano for prying out of my desperate hands a copy of Twilight: The DVD.

In other news- I have some pretty fantastic pictures of gingerbread house construction and a hilarious narrative to post. Maybe I'll get around to it....oohhh...sometime in 2011.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................................I wish.

Recalibrating Perspectives

(Given my penchant towards birds in the aesthetic/allegorical senses, I felt it was a good omen that this creature found our office inviting and decided to stay.)

From Idealist.org: Some of the nicest, most caring, and selfless people you will ever meet work for nonprofit organizations. Many of these organizations also hire very bright and well-educated individuals who contribute to an intelligent and stimulating work environment.

I don't know why, for so long, I equated a 9-5 with corporate drudgery. It's not as though that was ever instilled in me. To the contrary: my family is filled with entrepreneurs, self-starters, teachers, adventurers, artists.

The end of week 2 has brought me to this point of exhaustion, a little mental burn-out, but a general feeling of satisfied relief. As I settle into this new life, this new career, these new ideas and philosophies I wonder how it is I existed before.

Everyone I've met in this field thus far has an incredibly interesting world view. They are intellectuals, artists, and interested in the aesthetics of life. I don't know why it took me so long to find "my people," or where these people were before. Maybe I wasn't ready to step up; maybe I wasn't ready to take a seat at the table.

Regardless, I find a sense of happiness that kept eluding me all these years. I wake up the morning grateful for the day, and I drive home in the evenings with a sense of accomplishment.

Make no mistake: I'm not wholly disillusioned and wrapped up in the honeymoon phase. I am aware that I'm walking that fine line of a new relationship: where everything seems great and amazing, but both parties have been burned before and are just waiting for the red flag to fly. The freak flag, which we all have. This job wants to like me just as much as I want to like it, but we've both had our share of ill-fits and crossed connections. We're settling into this slowly, both afraid to admit how well this is working out. So far. Always with that added validation. So far lets us off the hook if something goes south.

And, of course, it's transition and it's bumpy. Just because I wake up in the morning glad to be me, glad to have my life doesn't mean I spring out of bed like some cracked-out cartoon character. Of course I still hit snooze. Who doesn't? And just because I drive home feeling accomplished doesn't mean I don't grit my teeth at traffic. My shoes still feel uncomfortable by 5pm, I still have to deal with inane bureaucratic drudgery, and I still face that 9-5 "grind." Again- who in this arena doesn't?

But it's all different now, somehow. Maybe it's the "higher purpose," aspect. Maybe it's that I had to come to this part of my life when I was ready. Maybe my priorities are different. Maybe it's because success for me now is measured in the well-being of other humans, which feels better to me. Maybe it's only two weeks into this and I have yet to reach the burn-out that's so common in the non-profit world. Who knows? All I know is that I finally have a field that, so far, seems to fit.

So far. Maybe at some point I'll lose the fear of commitment and be able to make declarative statements without addendum. Working towards this point.

Blitzkrieg

Blitzkrieg.

"the art of concentrating strength at one point, forcing a breakthrough"

NOLA Presentation

On top of gearing up this week to write a syllabus with Lee for a class we're teaching next month (NEXT MONTH. AS IN- "MAY." WTH.) and scrambling to do my taxes (how did I fall so behind on that this year?) I'm also writing two articles about New Orleans for submission and putting together a presentation to give in Annapolis on the 25th about the work we did.

One of the group members sent around this video which quite informatively explains a day-by-day time line of Hurricane Katrina and the subsequent levee break. Although it might skirt some controversial issues, it's done by National Geographic and gives a pretty unbiased account.

Busy, busy, busy. Also got a job lead. Things are feeling good.

Also, I asked Josh for another funny Tumblr to rival Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor (bee-tee-dubs, I was at the gym this morning and almost fell off the treadmill whilst sprinting as his song "Just Haven't Met You Yet" came on VH1 and I kept mentally inserting the snout of aforementioned velociraptor into each frame), and he sent me this. Ever so often, Josh and I have a distinct disconnect between what we find funny.

**ADDENDUM**
Josh's reply:
Fine, fine oh Trivia Lady - I will do my best to not disappoint you further with links not as funny as Michael Buble being stalked by Raptors...if I should come across a blog about Harry Connick Jr being pursued by rabid kittens or collages of David Hasselhof+ Buddist Temples+Ramen noodles I will forward them tout suite.

**ADDENDUM NUMBER 2**
I believe Josh wins this round.

And A Little Fun Too

Burn-out is imminent, as it's Day Four and I spent the entire day up on scaffolding and ladders painting trim in the sun. I'm entirely happy with this job assignment as it:
a.) does not involve measuring, math, or numbers of any kind
b.) is a bit mindless in the sense that the hands can be busy while the mind gets to wander, which is my favorite type of job
c.) is the type of job where, although it is minute, progress is visible.

However, I'm beyond exhausted, dusty, achy, sweaty, and gritty so in lieu of deep introspection and blogging or attempting to post more photos, I will be taking my daiquiri pool-side for a bit. I am endlessly thankful that:
a.) New Orleans has establishments that sell To Go daiquiris
b.) the hotel has a pool
c.) lists are in existence, because they are an excellent way to organize my tired thoughts.

Bowling tonight with a live zydeco band (syntax clarification- the band will be playing their instruments live, not bowling with us), and up early again tomorrow for another day of trim work up on shaky extension ladders and scaffolds in the sunshine.

Progress is being made, morale is high, and the pool is calling.